The Gap Between

What I thought I wanted and what I actually want

After my divorce I drifted for several years, trying on different lives like they were outfits. I just didn't know what I wanted out of life anymore.

I eventually came to a stalemate between two imagined futures: a small homestead in the woods, or a small house in the city. And I genuinely was frustrated because I felt like I wanted both, but they seemed mutually exclusive. They arent, but that revelation came later.

The city was ironically the easiest of the two to step into, so that's what I did. I felt like a genius because of how much money I was saving and still getting “everything I wanted.” And I was unhappy. Profoundly. I could go anywhere and do anything, and I went nowhere and did nothing.

So I stopped and took stock. What was it about city life that I thought I wanted?

I realized that every single thing I thought I loved about the city I can also achieve in the country, albeit with slightly more effort.

With a 4-wheeler I can get myself around to the gas station and the minimart and to and from the mailbox. I don’t need a car or even a truck, because most of the things I would need a truck for I can usually get delivered. And the rest I can just rent the vehicle when I need it.

With a 30kWh battery bank and both solar, wind, and microhydro, I have the power to play video games, watch TV and Movies, and listen to music. And even write. And with a chest freezer and air frier, and a Sam's membership, my diet can pretty much be burgers and fries, pizza, and chimichangas every day.

And on top of it all, I also have countless projects I want to do that are physically demanding to keep me in shape. The only difference is I won't be surrounded by people. But after two years in the city, I don’t see that as a negative.

I used to believe I was built to thrive in the city while forever pining for the woods. But ultimately the woods was always where I really wanted to be.